Jam is Dangerous

I make jam. A few years back I used to make a lot of it. As a novice jam maker, I did what any naive beginner does: I attacked the world of summer fruit with gusto. Raspberries. Strawberries. Peaches. Anything I could get my hands on was boiled up with sugar and stuck in jars. I even made fancy labels. My jam cupboard is still full of dark, sticky mysteries from that period of my life.

What nobody tells you about jamming is the sheer danger involved. It’s lethal. I embark upon each batch with trepidation.

To get a jam to set, particularly the jelly-based ones like marmalade, you heat the fruit juice and sugar up to a rolling boil. Then you keep boiling it to reduce the liquid down until the setting point is reached; when a drop of jam placed on a cold ceramic saucer quickly sets and turns to jelly.

The problem comes as the mixture gets close to the setting point. The jam pot turns volcanic as the mix becomes viscous, almost honey-like, and then starts to spit gobs of scalding hot super glue. Think lava with all the goodness of fresh fruit. Get some on the back of your hand and you’ll feel it for days. Mine are usually spotted with red scald marks after a protracted jamming session. Show me a jam maker with no burn scars and I’ll show you a liar.

From time to time, a jar will explode on you as well. Flawed mason jars can shatter when you fill them, showering the kitchen floor with invisible needles of glass which you’ll find early one morning when you’re barefoot and heading for the teapot.

And after all that effort, all that blood and sweat, there’s the emotional trauma brought on by rejection; the depressing moment when you finally figure out that the rest of the family like the odd slice of toast and marmalade, but that’s it. Your precious jars of garden berry jelly, pear and ginger jam and that secret chutney recipe you got from the Guardian may as well be tainted with botulism because no bugger’s eating them.

So you see, jamming is a lonely, dangerous hobby.

PS: I’m not kidding about the burns by the way. Just after posting this my friend Vanessa told me of her colleague who’s suffering from third degree burns to his hands and face inflicted by the wax disc, which is sometimes placed on top of the hot jam, catching fire. Hadn’t thought of that one.