Just kidding.
If you ask me, eggplant has no point. Nada. Zip. Far as I’m concerned, it could vanish from greenhouses and shops around the world and bugger off to the great compost heap in the sky. I wouldn’t miss it. Any vegetable that’s become the unofficial Emoji for a penis really needs to take a long hard look at itself in the mirror.
The official Latin name for this revolting mauve turd is Solanum melongena. It’s related to potatoes, deadly nightshade (makes sense) and the humble tomato, and is actually an overgrown berry. And that’s about all I really care to know about it.
Vegetarians and eggplant enthusiasts have harangued me for years over my loathing for the purple horrors, trying their best to persuade me that it’s really quite edible and should be an essential part of my diet. But its proponents never mention that the humble aubergine is actually not that healthy. It’s low in protein, low in carbohydrates, pretty much devoid of the vitamins and nutrients that (might) make you feel slightly better about eating nasty foods, it tastes like undercooked sponge rubber, and to cap it all, it contains nicotine. So you’re essentially eating cigarettes.
All sorts of strategies have been used on me from the subtle to the bullying, to no avail.
“You have to try my eggplant lasagna!” No. I don’t. Piss off.
“I have the best recipe for eggplant dip.” There is no “best” recipe, they’re all “worst”. I’d rather eat cold snot.
“Have you tried dipping pita bread into babaganoush?” Yes. I lived in Turkey. See above.
Ironically, there are web sites devoted to showcasing eggplant recipes for people who don’t like eggplant. “How to hide eggplant in a dish” screams a google search result. Right. For me, that’s a bit like trying to push piles or gout as a pleasant experience that I really must try. Here’s a quote from somebody on a Reddit eggplant page who was daft enough to try cooking one of the sure-fire-you’ll-love-it recipes.
“I watched a cooking show with that guy that makes crazy birthday cakes. He breaded eggplant slices and oven-cooked it and they looked delicious, so I decide to try it out. Never having tasted eggplant, I didn’t know what to expect. I prepared a nice bread mixture with spices etc., but the cooked eggplant tasted disgusting, and was all slimy.”
Ha ha ha. Serves you right.
The statistics prove I’m not alone in my disgust. The august website Japan Today surveyed 800 Japanese mums about their kids’ vegetable preferences. Just under 61% of young Japanese kids said they don’t like eating vegetables at all –surprise, surprise- but when forced to, 33% nominated the eggplant as the vegetable they dislike the most. And we all know statistics don’t lie.
So there you have it. Don’t even think about trying to proselytize them to me; no pushing your evangelical veggie-love on me. It ain’t going to work. At 56 I know what I don’t like, and eggplant is up there along with boils, squat toilets and Nigel Farage. I leave you to guess which is at the top. Hint: Brexit.
Babaganoush smells like dirty diapers to me. I don’t know what dirty diapers taste like (thank God), but it’s probably a lot like babaganoush. My wife loves babaganoush.
I think Babganoush is Iranian for diapers. I’ll check…
Tell us. What do you really think about eggplant? I agree with you on most points, but one thing you have to admit. They’re the most aesthetically pleasing of vegetables.
yeah… kinda