Rude Words & Geology

I was back home in Brexit land in October and again in November. In between moping on the forecourts of sucked-dry gas stations, getting rained on in Wales, and being depressed in downtrodden Stoke on Trent, I had plenty of time to ponder the curious world of British place names (as you do).

The UK is full of wonderfully rude place names; there are so many that one intrepid individual, Paul Taylor, recently embarked on a comprehensive tour of the smuttiest ones perched on a rather dodgy looking 50cc moped.

Mr. Taylor started in Shitterton and ended up -fittingly- in the pleasant hamlet of Bell End. Along the way he stopped in The Knob in King’s Sutton, Butthole Lane in Shepshed, Titty Ho, Cockermouth, and Minge Lane. Genius. I’ve been to Cockermouth, and yes, I admit I sniggered as we drove into the village past the name sign.

The disciplines of geology and mining are not without their double entendres, but remember, at best mining people are a beer-swilling puerile bunch not widely known for their intelligent, penetrating humour. True, there are plenty of words that will raise a chuckle from them, but it’s stuff that would make most normal people stare at each other in baffled incomprehension.

Here are a few common geological puns that make earth science students roll around in the aisles, snorting and grunting with amusement:

“Don’t expect perfection from geologists. They all have their faults.” Howls of laughter.

“Geologists. Gneiss, tuff and a little bit wacke!” Ha ha ha ha …even more howls.

“Geologists take nothing for granite…” (That’s enough of this banality. Grow up. Ed.)

Serious Research Needed

This got me thinking. Has anyone ever compiled a definitive list of rude-ish sounding mining and geology words?

After an extensive 15-minute internet search it became obvious that no sensible adults have ever cared enough to put in the serious research miles needed for such an important subject. No surprise there then.

But this was my big chance to make a lasting impact on our science, and thus after many long lonely midnight hours, hunched over my lap top going through the wiki mineral list, the minerals.net data base and an on-line dictionary of mining terms, I arrived at the comprehensive list below.

I’ve added some definitions that may or may not be accurate. As usual, thanks are due to my Twitter pals who -many months ago- threw lots of words and terms my way. The list is much better off your contributions.

Folks of a sensitive disposition should skip straight to the subscription box on the right and sign up because it’s impossible to tackle this subject without being a little off colour, so please avail yourselves of my version of “exit through gift shop”.

Dickite & Cummingtonite

Let’s get the most obvious rib ticklers out of the way first. Come on, laugh it off…chortle chortle.

Now that’s done, I can tell you that cummingtonite is an amphibole mineral – a magnesium/iron silicate that often occurs as… er…long columnar crystals. It forms in metamorphic rocks and wasn’t named by an ironic frustrated geologist one lonely Saturday night in Chicken, Alaska after 3 masturbatory months in the field at $250 a day which seemed a good deal when they signed on. It was actually named after the town of Cummington in Massachusetts, a hot bed of sex and debauchery (allegedly).

Dickite on the other hand is a clay mineral that was named after my old igneous petrology prof; a man so dull he turned anything remotely interesting about igneous rocks into dry, mouldy intellectual turds and killed any interest I ever had in them. And he wasn’t called Richard.

Fukalite

A transitional mineral phase which usually occurs midway between Dickite and Cummingtonite, shortly after Drinkite.

Orogeny / Orogenic Belts

Intensely sensitive parts of the Earth’s crust that compress and expand and get perky when tickled and the act of tickling said zones. Unlike human tickling, which is usually done and dusted in a few sordid minutes, orogenic tickling can take millions of years. Lucky Earth.

Breast

Something that many male field geologists have never seen and have only heard about from their non-mining friends. The lesser-known definition is a mining face that’s on ore.

Cleavage 

See above. It’s also a pervasive oriented fabric or fracture pattern that a rock tends to split along formed by the structure of its minerals. Yawn…zzzz

Kink

The use of non-conventional geological practices, concepts or outright fantasy in earth science. The rubber-clad practitioners of “kink” are shunned by real geologists as heretical intellectual deviants. See also Expanding Earth “Theory”, Geosynclines, Flat Earth and Neptunism.

Deviatoric Stress

An affliction that affects geologists engaged in “kink” (see above) when they realise that someone filmed them doing it and has posted the repulsive act on social media. In structural geology it means that part of the stress system that acts to change a shape.

Camp

A fitting description of mining engineers. Oh sorry, I meant a group of huts or tents.

Drag

What mining engineers wear (see also Camp, above)

Joint

A plane surface of fracture or parting in a rock, without displacement, that you can smoke.

Cwm

Pronounced “coom”, cwm is a Welsh-language geomorphological term that refers to a glacial lake in a bowl-shaped valley that used to hold a glacier. It is definitely NOT a typo.

Glory Hole

A glory hole is a mine working that opens to the surface, often the result of old timers chasing a high-grade shoot to or from surface. None of which was particularly helpful to my late mum when we were playing Cards Against Humanity with my nephews and she drew the card “Harry Potter and the Chamber of Glory Holes”. Try explaining that to an 80-odd year old woman who lived on her own in Harrogate watching German music shows on TV and travel documentaries about Uzbekistan.

Shaft

What I got in my second contract with Rio Tinto. Or, a vertical / inclined excavation in rock for the purpose of providing access to an orebody. Usually equipped with a hoist at the top, which lowers and raises a conveyance for handling workers and materials.

Analbite

Not quite sure where to go with this one, strangely. Analbite is a variety of albite feldspar containing both sodium and potassium. It was named by a deviant who couldn’t believe their luck when the name got past the International Mineralogical Association board at the “Let’s Pick A Name” meeting one quiet, rainy Monday afternoon. Word.

Gembone

Gembone is either agatized dinosaur bones (nah… too dull) or something amorous drunken male geologists think they have but everyone else who’s sober knows they don’t.

Grossite 

Any mineral sample that weighs over 250lbs.

Loveringite 

Lovingerite is a rare earth mineral with an unnecessarily complex chemical formula (Ca,Ce)(Ti,Fe₃₊,Cr,Mg)₂₁O₃₈). Note, this mineral is never found in the same rock as Grossite so don’t bother looking.

Analcine

Analcine is a synonym of analcite which has the chemical formula NaAlSi₂O₆·H₂O.  I think I once heard someone asking for it in a strange shop in Amsterdam.

Interfingering / tonguing

Where do I start? Well…er… it’s got something to do with on-lapping but that’s about all I know. Truth be told I’m slightly flustered and need to cool off.

Reaction Rim

See above.

Phlogopite

A sedimentary & metamorphic mineral.

Spurrite

A carbonated calcium silicate first identified in the movie Broke Back Mineral.

Thrust

A break in the Earth’s crust, across which older rocks are pushed above younger rocks. It’s also the most obvious geological double entendre (other than dyke or cummingtonite) guaranteed to make 1st year undergraduates chuckle way too much in their compressional tectonics modules, while the Prof stands impatiently at the front of the class, hands on hips, foot tapping and eyes raised to the heavens waiting for the kindergarten kids to quiet down.

Mammillary Form

Two words. Boob shaped. Anything boob-shaped.

Mereheadite

No such thing as mere… ah… better not go there. This is a hydrated lead chlorite mineral with the formula Pb₄₇Cl₂₅(OH)₁₃O₂₄(CO₃)(BO₃)_2. So now you know.

Dry Hole

In both oil and minerals exploration, a dry hole denotes a hole that came up with nothing. Nada. It has nothing to do with 90-year old Catholic nuns. Jesus. Did I really write that?

Soddyite 

A hydrated uranium silicate which, compositionally speaking, is a bit of a bugger. I thank you.

Cockermouth 

This has no relevance to mining or geology. I just threw it in because it still makes me laugh, although there is a great mineral shop in the town with an amazing fluorite collection. Have I ever told you about the time I came across a lawyer with the surname Cockhead? True story.

Penetrating Twins

Something crystallographic that also happens to be on Austin Powers’ bucket list.

Dyke

A long and relatively thin body of igneous rock that, while in the molten state, intruded a fissure in older rocks. A top 3 word for undergraduates to snigger at.

Erratic

A glacial term that kinda sounds like erot… yeah.. no, you’re right it doesn’t.

Competence

Something I’ve never been accused of.

And Remember…

If this definitive list of almost-but-not-quite rude words hasn’t put you off the urbancrows blog for life, you can subscribe via the definitive and totally-not-rude subscription box at the top of this page. If you have your own favourite words that I’ve missed or overlooked, feel free to add them in the comments section below.