Are you Sexually Dimorphic?

We all know that some birds look spectacular. And we all know that some sing like angels. But did you know that the two usually don’t go together?

Beautifully coloured birds with ostentatious feathery outfits can’t sing worth shit, while small brown jobbies that look like pointy spuds with wings sound wonderful. In short, the prettier the bird, the worse it sings. This is partly intuitive I suppose but now it’s been proven by an in-depth study from the University of Oxford.

New Scientist magazine reports that a study of over 500 species concluded that birds evolved to attract mates in one of two ways –song or feathers- and the two don’t mix. Think male Peacock. They strut around waving their I’m-the-shit tail feathers at anything that’ll watch them, but their call is bloody horrible and clinically proven to induce toothache. The European blackbird on the other hand was given a small yellow beak to show off and that’s it. Black everything. But who needs feathers when you’ve got one of the most beautiful songs in the bird world to make up for it.

Nah mate. Caw is all you’re getting.

The article summed it up thusly..

“…birds in which one sex has more showy plumage than the other tend to have less interesting, more monotonous songs. In species in which the males and females more closely resemble each other, the males sing longer songs over a larger range of musical notes.”

So where does that leave crows? Male and female are both jet black, highlighted with the odd shade of darker black. But they have a piss-poor vocal repertoire made up of not-so-subtle variations on “caw caw” with a few clicks and whoops thrown in. So, either crows find black plumage smoking hot, or there’s something else at play. Crows are monogamous and pair for life. Their courtship ritual –which I’ve sadly yet to see- looks like a polite discussion about who’s paying for the tea and crumpets.

“Please, let me.”

“No I couldn’t.. Let me.”

“But I insist.”

“Oh if you must.”

Maybe that’s it. Crow couples are simply nice to each other so no crooning or natty outfits required. More research is clearly needed.